When I was younger, I dreadfully feared that I would never be as successful as I'd always hoped to be because I was too afraid of taking the necessary risks to get me there. That feeling has come and passed, and I'm exceptionally confident that I will carry out whatever marvelous plans the Lord has made for me. The secret to attaining this sense of peace is not only following God, but knowing that he is the only one you have to please or worry about, and even then he knows you're not perfect so there is no surprise in disappointing him occasionally. In doing this, and just being yourself without external pressures, will unveil you're truly extraordinary potential, which others will admire and thrive to emulate.
This is all fine and good, but I'm having a difficult time in this aspect of my faith when it comes to relationships.
God loves teaching us things, and the curious cat that I am finds this intriguing and frustrating as I try to understand exactly what he is doing. Obviously he doesn't want me to know everything, but I am discovering that he has been placing me in practically identical situations over and over again, and no matter how I respond or react, I end up unhappy in the end. To be honest, I've looked at this from every perspective I could possibly fathom and I'm still coming up empty handed.
It seems that he brings people into my life that are struggling, frequently when it comes to the arena of motivation. They come, they absorb, and leave me dry. The following is how I've broken down this repetitive scenario in my mind.
God wants me to realize my talents. We're all blessed with various forms of expertise to be used to our advantage and share with others. I would like to think that the Lord has given me a clever and witty sense of humor, a passionate heart, a fancy way with words, the ability to constructively mediate communication, and most of all, the drive of a Pagani Zonda. That being said, it seems as though my being in the presence of those less galvanized aids in emitting some aura of momentum for them to pick up on. But after multiple relationships have ended*, I'm fully aware that I can get 'em going ;) [*Granted these relationships have all ended, I wouldn't call them unsuccessful as I have learned other things, but I find it curious that this setup keeps echoing.]
So why do they leave? Am I supposed to help others, despite the cost to myself. It is very emotionally unsatisfying to be favored with the presence of some extraordinary people, only for them to extract what they need to grow and leave me damaged and depressed. When I encounter another, I have an unyielding inner compulsion to devote myself to their existence through all my resources of which they desire. It is literally an addictive affinity from which I cannot break free. Why would God lead me to do something that leaves me feeling so debilitated and therefore reluctant to even consider another relationship?
These situations corner me at a decidedly unfortunate disadvantage giving more than I receive. I know God wants me to serve others, but I know he doesn't want me to feel disrespected either. It seems that those I meet have pegged me for the type to give freely without proper reciprocity and prey on having their cake and eating it too. I am a decadent, three layer red velvet masterpiece, and they are a crumbling hot mess of fruitcake that includes everything but the kitchen garbage disposal. There is nothing wrong with either, but you get what you see, and I've got a little more to offer.
So am I just giving too much? It seems as though it is possible that God is trying to show me that I am too eager to jump in front of a bus for those who wouldn't even flinch as my blood stained their shoe. This is the biggest question I battle. I tend to place my joy in being such a profit to others, that when they leave, I lose all hope. Maybe He is trying to show me that only true joy should come from him and as soon as I realize this my frustration will be resolved. But I don't think that is it. I see so many people enjoying the way their fortes help others, why should I tune-down my talent if it can be advantageous to others? And as I said before, it is such an unconscious impulse to offer my capabilities to the infinite disposal of these cake eaters that I haven't the slightest idea as to how to go about not being helpful.
I have rationalized and analyzed this with all the energy I could humanly contrive, and I am still without solution. All I want is someone to share my life with. Someone to survive the struggles and treasure the triumphs by my side. To appreciate me, despite my flaws. To challenge me to be who God wants me to be. Why is this too much to ask?
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